You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
