I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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