Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
