remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
