barbara walters just said penis...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
