What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
