I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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