Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
A bitchslap is in order.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
