Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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