so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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