I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
there is puke in my bra ... again
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
