I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
