Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize