My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize