I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
