I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
