Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
