I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
