Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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