this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
