I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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