Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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