...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
