So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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