i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize