I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
