so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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