literally had 100 drinks last night.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
