I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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