Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
