He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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