Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
