I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
