I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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