Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
