while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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