At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
