I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
