Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
