The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I love you. Go after that dick
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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