How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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