I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
