i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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