And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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