I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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