just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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