I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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