apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
