While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
