Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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