in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
