The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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