At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
