You smell like stripper and shame
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
