Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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