I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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