You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
