6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
