I faked an abortion last night.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
