I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize