I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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