You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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