barbara walters just said penis...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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