Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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